FARGO — Right-wingers, aka Real Americans, are steadfastly refusing to wear masks during a pandemic because doing so would obliterate their God-given right to liberty, freedom and anger. If the government asks they strap a piece of cloth over their piehole to keep others safe, what's the next piece of America that slides down the slippery slope? The right to kill people while driving drunk?
Next thing you know, businesses will be demanding their customers wear a shirt and shoes to obtain service. Commies.
This is America in 2020, having devolved under the (ahem) watchful eye of a president who has artfully turned mask-wearing into a political wedge issue. We used to fight about big issues like climate change and taxes. Trump has us arguing over a 6-inch by 4-inch piece of material. What's next? Brushing our teeth? I know which side I would choose to be in favor.
On one hand are the conservatives who, when not outraged over the toppling of a statue of a Confederate general they'd never heard of before it was toppled, view wearing a mask as a sign of weakness, a pansy liberal plot to take away their manhood and the long-established Constitutional right to make somebody else sick. The mask has replaced the gun as their phallic substitute.
On the other hand are the libtards who don't want to make a cashier ill when it could be prevented by wearing a mask for 15 minutes. One weakness of the Dumbocrats is that they on occasion think of others. This is how we've been saddled with communist programs like Social Security, Medicare and farm subsidies, which no Republicans use.
All this could be solved if President Jim Jones would take a three-minute break from not reading his security briefings and tweet to his devotees that wearing a mask would protect them from Black Lives Matter Antifa anarchists coming to their towns on buses loaded with pallets of bricks.
Or maybe it wouldn't work. Can't drink Kool-Aid through a mask.
Our last, best hope to stop the coronavirus from spreading faster than disinformation from the White House might be college football. Makes sense. After pushing sketchy ideas like "science," "common sense" and "by not wearing a mask you might kill your own grandmother," it's time to focus on what really matters to Americans — getting drunk in a parking lot on Saturdays.
If Twitter is any indication of reality — and what social media platform isn't? — there seems to be a push to encourage people to wear masks if they want college football this fall. The idea being, the quicker we stop the spread of the virus the better chance there is for games to be played. If only somebody had been saying this since March.
So right-wingers are faced with the most American of choices: Freedom or football? The right to not have the boot of government on their liberty-loving throats vs. their right to scream for one group of 20-year-olds to obliterate another group of 20-year-olds. It might come down to what Patrick Henry once said.
"Give me liberty, unless you can guarantee 10 wins!"