AMY KIRK: ‘Man card’ rules and regulations

• Amy Kirk

Amy Kirk

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If you don’t know what a “man card” is, it’s something that women subconsciously try to extract from men. The following are a few examples of what can jeopardize the average man card.

Threats can be detected as early as a couple’s engagement. Asking a groom’s opinion regarding wedding planning decisions or China patterns for the rare times that the couple may consider eating off of them is breaching man card rules.

Instead, brides should let the groom decide what he can help with, like packing chairs and getting the beer or planning the wedding night activities after the dance.

To keep a husband’s man card intact, wives should never ask them to watch “Steel Magnolias.” The mere mention of this movie will cause a man to want to gouge his eyes out in order to tolerate watching it. “Steel Magnolias” should only be viewed with other women.

A guy’s obsessive-compulsive masculinity does not want a ballpoint pen with red, purple, pink, orange or green ink to sign something. Man card rules require black ink; maybe blue. Additionally, paying bills with a joint checking account on checks that have pictures of kittens, cartoon characters, feminine or floral-looking designs, or are referred to as “cute,” tarnish man cards.

It’s man card taboo if a guy is seen in public sporting articles of clothing that match his wife’s and cause another woman to say, “Awww,” or “You guys make such a cute couple,” or “That’s so sweet!” about a man and his wife.

Men may get the stink eye (disdainful look) from other card-carrying members who overhear such comments.

Restricting men to “healthy” food choices which eliminates getting carbohydrates from Lay’s wavy potato chips or fruits from Old Home pies also jeopardizes a man card. Other dangers include coaxing husbands to eat bran. Every man has his limitations and this is every man’s.

Foods that devalue the man card in addition to not tasting good to men are “fat-free,” “sugar-free” and “low-fat.” “Lite” or “Light” is acceptable if it pertains to beer. Also of note of the man surveyed, the unanimous response to eating yogurt with fruit chunks or frozen yogurt was: “Yucky.”

Man card bylaws specifically state that butter, mayonnaise, or chunky peanut butter must be at least a quarter-inch thick when spread on bread. Wives insist on challenging these standards by nagging and criticizing their men for putting on more than a serving size portion.

Being coerced into quitting goes against the man card’s core value. Giving up on shirts, vehicles, underwear, finding his way, bad habits, fixing something himself, or any association with a man’s deeply ingrained male behavior patterns could cause the card holder to get the old Spanish Archer from other card carrying members.

Hearing the mere word “crafts” can cause a man to dive for cover if he has previously experienced being led through a craft store by his wife among other women and tantalizing pre-made craft projects during a storewide clearance sale frenzy. Equally ego-flating is pushing a shopping cart around a women’s department store while a man’s wife shops and asks his opinion on particular clothing items.

Of all the reasons that women should never mess with their husband’s man card is that he will need to refer to it when she needs something fixed.

Amy Kirk and her husband raise their two kids on a fourth-generation cow/calf operation near Pringle. She blogs at ranchwifeslant.areavoices. com.

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