2013 quips of the year
A “quip,” according to various dictionaries, is a witty remark.
The Daily Republic scans its content each week to find a “quip of the week” that publishes every Saturday on the Opinion page. Following are all the quips from 2013.
“The only thing I can say with any confidence is Congress threw both House and Senate committees under the bus.”
— South Dakota Farmers Union President Doug Sombke about the temporary farm bill extension Congress passed Jan. 1.
“Where does this logic stop? Atomic bombs don’t look violent. Let’s let every country have one.”
— Anonymous commenter on The Daily Republic’s website, in response to another commenter who said there are no violent guns, only violent people.
“If you’re sitting there goofing around, you’re going to get run over.”
— Parkston assistant wrestling coach James Boehmer on the Parkston wrestling room being a proving ground for wrestlers.
“I’d give anything for a pizza.”
— Davison County Jail corrections officer James Dietz on being on a liquids-only diet. Dietz’s jaw was wired shut following facial reconstruction surgery after he was attacked by an inmate Jan. 1.
“They’re kind of smarter than me.”
— Mitchell High School senior Jesse Volek on freshmen mentees in the MHS social studies mentoring program.
“This is not to pad my retirement or anything.”
— Mitchell mayor Ken Tracy on the city’s recent land sales.
“Wrestling is a man’s sport. Abe Lincoln was a wrestler.”
— Ken Ruml, former Howard High School wrestling coach and USA wrestling gold level coach, on wrestling possibly being ousted from the 2020 Olympics.
“Most mascots are intimidating, and we’re a cuddly vegetable.”
— Mitchell Activities Director Geoff Gross, on hoping Mitchell High School could catch the “cute vote” in the USA Today mascot contest that nominated MHS as one of five South Dakota schools.
“I’m sure the person has incredible vision.”
— Lt. Gov. Matt Michels, on the recipient of Bill Janklow’s corneas, which were donated after his death last year.
“Saturday in the third period we found another gear. Today, we tried to find it and we missed the shift.”
— Mitchell girls’ hockey coach Randy Rezac on the Marlins’ second-place finish at the state tournament in Huron.
“It was not a good plan for attracting boys.”
— Ellen Jo Baron, Mitchell High School graduate and one of the designers of the Cornelius mascot in the early 1960s, on wearing the mascot costume to games.
“It’s like a Ferrari vs. a grain truck.”
— Assistant Fire Chief Paul Morris on the Mitchell Fire Division’s new fire truck, compared to the one it replaced.
“I’ve never been beat.”
— U.S. Sen. Tim Johnson, D-S.D., when asked if he could have won re-election if he hadn’t chosen instead to retire at the end of next year.
“Within the first month or so, (Aros) wanted to eat me.”
— S.D. Highway Patrol Trooper John Lord, on training his drug-sniffing dog, Aros.
“I couldn’t run, I couldn’t jump, so I threw.”
— Dakota Wesleyan University track and field athlete Katie Johnson, on how she got started in field events.
“I’m not going to say anything against the guy who got me appointed U.S. attorney.”
— S.D. Attorney General and former U.S. attorney Marty Jackley, refusing to comment on whether he could beat U.S. Sen. John Thune, R-S.D., in a footrace. Both Republicans are noted runners.
“Their eyes squint and they say, ‘what is it?’ ”
— Comedian Louie Anderson, on telling non-Midwesterners about the Corn Palace. Anderson performed at the Corn Palace in April.
“I was getting kind of strange looks. It’s been interesting.”
— Cheri Hamilton, on the reaction when she told people she was directing the local play, “Once Upon a Mattress.” She had to assure people the play wasn’t dirty.
— Sign held by college students along the first mile of a marathon in Lincoln, Neb.
“Those weren’t good seats anyway.”
— Corn Palace Director Mark Schilling on the 20 seats lost following a change to the Corn Palace’s seating plan after the 2003 Willie Nelson concert.
“But, you see, you can’t put in eyelids with a chainsaw.”
— Wood carver Roy Pilcher on expanding the tools he uses in his business, Bears & Co.
“We’re certainly not going to sell it for $1.”
— Veterans of Foreign Wars Post Commander Pat Ziegler, on potentially selling the VFW building to the city.
The VFW was closed due to an unsafe wall it shares with the former Longhorn Bar, which was sold to the city for $1 and was demolished. The city later bought the VFW building for $175,000.
“Politics is like a bad vampire movie. Nothing ever dies.”
— Mitchell City Councilman Mel Olson, on sidewalk wine service being brought back to the council in May after it was rejected the previous spring.
“You get some guys like me and a few of my friends, and we’ll make sure it doesn’t go too cheap.”
— Ronnie Rains, of Odessa, Texas, on the price that his classic car, painted in Menno, might bring at an auction to benefit Wounded Warriors Family Support.
“They might have to take down their ‘quiet please’ signs.”
— Larry Jirsa, on the noise that will come with the expansion and renovation of the Mitchell Public Library. Jirsa is the project’s architect.
“We are going to cause a lot of confusion on Main Street.”
— Ed Anderson, on he and his twin brother, Dick, owning neighboring businesses in Mitchell.
July 6, 2013
“I feel a little full.”
— Joey Chesnut, after eating 69 hot dogs in 10 minutes to win the annual Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog-Eating Contest at Coney Island, N.Y.
“Unlike Obama, I already had gray hair when I took office.”
— Mitchell Mayor Ken Tracy, on his first year in office.
“When they come looking for Mount Rushmore, can you point them in the right direction?”
— Lon Anderson, spokesman for the Mid-Atlantic AAA, on the organization sending out a mailer that listed Mount Rushmore as being in North Dakota.
“This one was actually — how do I put this — a child who should have known better.”
— Mitchell Recreation Coordinator Jamie Henkel on fecal contamination closing the Mitchell Aquatic Center in July.
“It appeared he was just trying to hold his pants up.”
— Mitchell Public Safety Chief Lyndon Overweg, on police initially thinking escaped convict Davis Bull Bear was armed because he kept a hand in his pants pocket. Bull Bear was apprehended in Mitchell.
“You’re too close to the trees to see the forest.”
— Mitchell City Councilman Mel Olson to Camp Arroya Inc. President Sherry Stilley, on the city’s lease with Camp Arroya.
“You don’t need that much money for folks to know who you are. You need that much money to cover up who you are, or what your record was.”
— State Rep. Stace Nelson on Mike Rounds’ goal to raise $9 million for his U.S. Senate campaign. Nelson announced he would also seek the Republican nomination.
“Mitchell is just a pothole of Methodism.”
— The Rev. Bruce Ough, during Dakota Wesleyan University’s dedication of the Glenda K. Corrigan Health Sciences Center, on the Methodist Church’s contributions to developing Mitchell as a settlement.
“It was an interesting letter to write. You know, ‘Hi, I think we’re related.’ ”
— Oacoma farmer/rancher Christine Hamilton, on tracking down her biological father as an adult.
“You don’t just flood the thing and let it freeze.”
— Mitchell Parks, Recreation and Forestry Director Dusty Rodiek, on delays to the completion of the second sheet of ice at the Mitchell Activities Center.
“After the game when the Cornhuskers lost last week, I think my dad and my brother have a little more hope than they should have.”
— Kelsey Hearnen, a University of Nebraska-Lincoln graduate, on her family’s UNL-South Dakota State University rivalry.
“I’m scared of my wife.”
— President Barack Obama, on why he quit smoking.
“If you can’t wonder, you’re dead. What’s the use of being dead?”
— Dakota Wesleyan University professor Mike Farney, on the importance of curiosity.
“We are working. They are not.”
— State Department of Agriculture employee Jack Carson, on the USDA not providing sales reports as a result of the federal government shutdown.
“Come to South Dakota. See our beautiful fall colors — white.”
— Deadwood Public Works Director J.R. Raysor, on the amount of snow in western South Dakota.
“To our Democratic friends: You own Obamacare and it’s going to be the political gift that keeps on giving.”
— Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., on the problems afflicting HealthCare.gov.
“For lack of a better term, it started freaking out.”
— Sgt. Dave Beintema, of the Mitchell Police Division, describing the actions of a deer that broke into a Mitchell residence.
“I require insulin when I hear it.”
— University of South Dakota President Jim Abbott, recalling his freshman college roommate playing the song “Cherish,” as Abbott said, “over and over and over.”
“You put up a poster at the gas station and everyone knows about it.”
— Marty Scott, a member of the Beatles tribute group Liverpool Legends, on the ease of marketing concerts in small towns.
“I don’t want any PETA people up my nose about this, all right? Leave me alone. I had nothing to do with this, OK?”
— David Letterman, host of the “Late Show,” during his recurring “Small-Town News” segment that featured a Daily Republic photo from August of a dead raccoon alongside state Highway 37 with a “Get Well” balloon tied to it.
“One thing I’ve learned about garbage — they just want it gone.”
— Ron Olson, Mitchell’s street and sanitation superintendent, about complaints that arise when residents place non-recyclable materials in their recycling bins, and then find those materials are left after pickup.
“Sometimes democracy includes painting faces and wearing horns.”
— Minneapolis Mayor R.T. Rybak, on the costumed fans who camped out at the Minnesota Capitol to lobby for the Vikings’ new stadium.
“I know what CRP stands for. It’s Coyote Reproduction Program, and it’s working great.”
— Merlin Feistner, 69, of Woonsocket, opining on the cause of declining pheasant numbers during the Dec. 6 Governor’s Pheasant Habitat Summit in Huron.
“It’s certainly better than the lump of coal many were expecting if we had failed to reach this bipartisan compromise.”
— Sen. Tim Johnson, D-S.D., on Congress’ budget deal.